Secret Message

What final message would you say to your family and friends? A brief note for them to read after you're gone to bring them love and cheer. It's a daunting thought, I'd probably want to compose a novel. But sometimes there's beauty in limitations ... so how about a fortune cookie?


These beautiful porcelain fortune cookies are made by Yogagoat at Etsy. They're available in a set of 12 for a reasonable price. The "fortune" would have to be inserted at home (they can't be fired with paper inside.) This could be done by someone with limited time, or if it's too late, find a favorite poem from your loved one, and take a line from it, and insert it. They could be handed out at the service. A lovely idea!

Lap Top Covers!

Sometimes our best memories come from clothing. I remember a striped red, blue and white shirt my mother used to wear in the early 70's. I held onto it, but didn't know how to incorporate into my everyday life. Memory quilts are one option for lots of clothing, but if it's just a single item, or you prefer something other than a quilt, how about a laptop cover?


Beeyourselfdesigns of Etsy can create custom laptop covers from your material. There's also covers for cell phones, ipods, and even key fobs. A little fabric can go a long way.



What I like most about this idea is that you can use your own clothing - I have favorite jackets that I'll never wear again, but don't know what to do with them. This falls more into the category of heritage clothing. When it comes down to it, the primary philosophy of The Modern Mourner is recycling meaningful items into new objects for everyday use, and Beeyourselfdesigns is a perfect example.

Libraries of Dust

For those who choose to be cremated, there are a lot of decisions about what to do with the ashes. But what if you didn't have a choice? What if your ashes were stashed in a utilitarian canister, anonymously hidden away with others in a dark storage room? It sounds like a tragic fate. Yet photographer David Maisel has uncovered a strange and beautiful alchemy that has occurred in the realm of the forgotten.



In his book Library of Dust, Maisel photographs the ashes of patients from the Oregon State Hospital (formally the Oregon State Insane Asylum, the location where One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest was filmed.) The canisters of the unclaimed are kept in a room with pine shelves, ordered as if they were books - literally libraries of dust. Maisel noticed how some of the cans corroded, transforming from stamped anonymity into hauntingly beautiful objects. The people here may have been forgotten in life, but in death they have become unique works of art.




This has me thinking about the nature of urns. We want them to be stable, permanent objects, stand-ins for the inevitable loss of our physical bodies. But what about an urn that changed with time? Evolved with the elements? Someone should make copper urns. And for some reason, I love the simple, utilitarian shape of the canister.

Rest in Pieces

Most urns are designed to convey a sense of permanence. I think this comes at a cost - traditional urns have a fake monumentality to them, feeling cold and impersonal. Urns don't need to look like ancient artifacts or bank vaults to have meaning. I'm still looking for designs that are warm and feel welcome in the home.

Product designer Nadine Jarvis's ceramic urn defies any sense of permanence. In fact, its design includes a built-in scattering, a return to nature on its own terms. This urn hangs by a thread, literally. In time (1-3 years) the thread disintegrates. The ashes plume into a final cloud, and that's it.



Although this project is more conceptual, I love the idea of a gradual return to nature. Holding on to the ashes seems to coincide with the natural process of grief, almost timed to let go when we are also finally ready to let go.

Remember Me Ring

As symbols of devotion, rings are among the most personal and heartfelt forms of jewelry. Rings inscribed with a name or a few meaningful words is a poetic way to honor the "gone but not forgotten." Delias Thompson has created "Secret Poetry Rings", available on Etsy.com.


I think these can work as a lovely modern interpretation of the Victorian Mourning Rings.

Offline But Not Forgotten

"Candy Darling on her Deathbed" by Peter Hujar

For those who want to plan ahead, there are new web services that allow you to compose your "final" email, and have it sent after you pass: mylastemail.com, youdeparted.com, lettersfrombeyond.com, and postexpression.com all offer this service. These sites also will also send instructions, final wishes, anything that you wish to communicate when you no longer can.

If something sudden happened to me tomorrow, there would be so much I wish I could have said. My friends and family know I love them, and while calling them today to tell them so isn't a bad idea, I think that having some special words after I die would be extremely meaningful. From words of encouragement, a private joke, even a confession. Let's face it, final words are a privilege that not all of us will have - surrounded by family and friends, passing on wisdom and words of encouragement. It's a romantic idea that rarely happens. Yet these sites give us the opportunity.

I especially like postexpression.com. You compose your messages ahead of time, and give a friend a "key" - when you depart (it's never "if" but "when") this "keyholder" can log in and unlock the messages and send them to the people on your list. If you're struggling with what to say, they even have "message suggestions" for specific relationships. Jilted lovers and online gamers included, even MySpace messages.

Ghost Bikes

We've all seen roadside shrines. They mark the place where a fatal accident has taken place. These makeshift memorials have their roots in a pioneer tradition - when someone died on the trail, the family would be forced to bury them on site, mark their grave, and sadly move on.

This "death on the road" tradition's latest incarnation is the Ghost Bike. It began when San Francisco artist Jo Slota spray-painted junked bikes. Cyclists soon appropriated this idea to mark the place where a cyclist was killed in an accident - a haunting warning to both motorists and cyclists.


Memorials make the invisible visible, and Ghost BIkes remind us of those who are no longer here. But these streetside memorials also make the dangers of everyday life visible. Be mindful, they seem to say. A modern day memento mori.


Click here to see the New York Times photo essay on Ghost Bikes.

T-Shirt Quilts

Quilt from Don't Quit Your Day Job

What do you do with the closets of clothing left behind? When my grandmother passed away, I sorted through her 60's era dresses, coats and sweaters. The materials were gorgeous, and I lamented about what to do with them. After keeping them in bags tucked in the back of my closet for ages, I finally gave them up to the Salvation Army. Now I wish I had transformed them into something I could have remembered her by. I would have especially loved to have made an apron!

Mourning quilts are a longtime tradition. Back in the day it was common to transform the clothing of a loved one into a patchwork or crazy quilt. (I'm not sure, but I think part of this had to do with the scarcity of cloth - throwing it away was considered a waste.) But now that clothing is cheap and abundant, we've lost that tradition. Time to bring it back!

I'm currently looking for quilters who can transform clothing into something meaningful. Grandpa's sweaters into golf club cozies. A father's old flannel shirts into fireside floor pillows. A mother's winter scarves into a tote bag. Quilts, pillows, aprons, laptop covers, anything. I'll report what I find, but in the meantime here are some T Shirt Quilts from Etsy's QuiltTees that capture the spirit.

For the Dearly Departed Artist

Did you know that the ashes from an average sized person provide enough carbon to create 240 pencils? London artist and product designer Nadine Jarvis has created "Carbon Copies", a unique urn that transforms ashes into the act of writing, material remains into ethereal musings.


The pencils are stamped with the name of the person whose ashes they contain. This beautiful wooden box also contains a sharpener, so every time the pencil is sharpened, the shavings return to the box, symbolically recreating the cycle "ashes to ashes". When the final pencil has been sharpened, ashes are once again resting in this box. But this time, they've also literally left behind written musings and memories. Imagine having a pencil of this significance! Every word I'd write would be meaningful, at least in gesture if not in thought. Every doodle would seem doubly inspired.

Nadine Jarvis has other work I hope to feature soon. Although her work is conceptual, I hope that someday this sort of thing is readily available. In the meantime, please check out her website: www.nadinejarvis.com.


Nadine Jarvis photo by Blyth.

Flower of the Week: Chrysanthemum

photo by Dries Buytaert
Chysanthemums, or mums (much easier to spell!) have a few meanings. For the Victorians, a white mum signifies "truth".



In China, mums represent grief, and are a traditional flowers at funerals. Red mums for the Victorians represent "love".


Because mums are so commonly used in funeral arrangements, it's hard to find something innovative (I really need to do an entry on flower arrangements!) In the meantime, how about a mum bundt cake?

Tea & Sympathy

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." - Buddha

Whether it's the act of lighting a single candle or seeing hundreds held in a candlelight vigil, the flickering light surrounded by darkness has always moved me as an act of remembrance - a way of saying "I am waiting for you." This is why I love these tea cup candles at TwilightSpells. Made from soy and available in in a variety of fragrances, these tea cup candles are a precious way to honor someone. I especially think they'd make a considerate gift for someone who has recently lost a mother or grandmother - there's something maternal and comforting here, a quiet and gentle warmth.



Available at Etsy.com.

Mourning Headbands

Clothing has long been a signifier of grief. For women in the Victorian era, black represented full mourning, while lavenders grays or white trim represented half-mourning. Veils and headbands in particular seem to be the most iconic mourning clothing, framing (and in some cases hiding) the face. Here are some modern interpretations:


Brit singer Lily Allen was photographed in what some speculated was a mourning garland headband. Whatever it is, I love its whimsical shape, which seems to undercut the gravitas of traditional mourning.


This felted wool Black Roses Mourning Headband with vintage soutache buttons from delightworthym is retro lovely.


And this veil from Altered Events on Etsy is costumely, bordering on playful.

Flower of the Week: Tea Roses

Tea Roses convey the sentiments, "I'll remember, always." For me, tea roses feel like the most "authentic" roses. They usually come from someone's garden, not from the florist. And something that's been cultivated and cared for (rather than paid for) carries with it that sense of loving cultivation.

Close to My Heart

Alison Nowlin Ward's RELIC collection offers a modern update on mourning jewelry. Her custom pieces, pictured here, can hold a lock of hair, the remnants of a love letter, or even the ashes of a loved one.


The Victorians' use of hair in mourning jewelry was an amazing alchemy, the transformation of hair's wild, organic nature into a stylized, lasting jewelry. It's like a metaphor for the hopes of an everlasting life after death, from the ephemeral to the eternal. Yet I have to be honest - some of the Victorian hair mourning jewelry was kind of creepy.


Or so stylized it seems the very personal nature of the hair was lost, as in this plaited hair brooch from the Metropolitan Museum of Art:


I love Alison Nowlin Ward's work because the hair is not overworked or transformed into something else. Her STORYVILLE collection is a series of lockets that can hide away a secret sentimental treasure.


These lovely pieces of jewelry can be ordered at www.madamefortuna.com.

Flower of the Week: Almond Blossoms

According to the Victorians, almonds and their flowers symbolized Sweetness, as well as the Hope of Heaven.

I love this Vincent Van Gogh painting of a blossoming almond branch. Its fleeting beauty makes me think of his quote "Love is something eternal. The aspect may change, but not the essence."

Beautiful Locket

One of the reasons I started this blog was to find mourning jewelry that wasn't dark or gothic. Although I can understand why so much memorial jewelry is dark - it embodies the shadowy cave we feel relegated to when we've lost the "light in our lives" - I think we can also remember our loved ones with light, happiness and warmth. This gold Victorian locket from the wonderful collectibles website Things Gone By is a surprisingly light and gracious token from a usually gloomier era. According to the website, the turquoise symbolizes "Remembrance". Inside the locket is room for a keepsake. Very sweet!